I Can't Make This Stuff Up

It's amazing how much more I have to write about (on my running blog, no less) now that I'm doing actual running. Also, it's amazing how much weird shit happens right in my own neighborhood. Also, there's a lot of pot smoking apparently, because wow. The neighborhood had that particular "aroma" hanging about last night. (At least it's what I imagine pot smells like because, in case my boss or parents are reading, I certainly would not have any first hand knowledge of such things. Especially not back in college when I had a pot dealing roommate. No, sir.)

 

Anyhoo. When I run by myself, I run at a park that is about a mile in perimeter. I head to the park straight from work because if I dare set foot in my house, the couch emits laser precise tractor beams and holds me hostage against my will, forcing me to watch Netflix.

 

I had forgotten my iPod *gasp* and I'm seriously not capable of running alone without music and I've already addressed the danger of stopping by my house first. Well, I had my phone and some giant, clunky skull headphones in my desk. Off to the park I went, straight from work.

 

Now I should preface this tale by saying that it was really cold for Arizona last night. And windy. Brrrr. Instead of wearing normal running clothes, I wore a thick hooded sweatshirt. Basically, I just run laps around the park and I always run in the same direction. Now mind you, this park is pretty well lit, has houses on 3 sides and a police precinct in the middle. All in all, it's pretty safe. There's just one short side that's pretty dark.

 

Because I didn't have my iPod with my trusty playlist, I was forced to scramble through random shit on my phone, like Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, specifically the last movement which is the choral section, better known as Ode To Joy. I'm telling you this because I like my life to have a soundtrack and Beethoven's Ninth is very dramatic and very German. I sang it in college several times and shockingly, still know ever last word of it in German. #lifesoundtrack

 

As I came to the dark side of the park, I see a man dressed entirely in black, with a black hat and what appears to be some sort of face warmer covering the bottom of his face. I don't pay too much attention but I notice that as he passes, I hear a weird sound that appears to be interfering with my music. Weird.

 

Well. I run into him again on the opposite side of the park where there is more light, but it's still dark. You know those moments you have where you see something but your brain can't process or comprehend what it's seeing, and you have a delayed reaction?

 

He gets close to me and all I can hear is insanely loud breathing that I'm totally not exaggerating here- sounds exactly like Darth fucking Vader. As he's passing me, he reaches up to his hat, and parts of it light up. It took a few more steps of running on my part before my brain caught up and said, "what the fuck did I just see?" And yes, all of these f bombs are necessary because 1) I really like saying it and 2) it really was fucking weird.

All that makes sense to my brain at this point is this:

This is a villain from Batman

 

This is what my brain interpreted. So I decide I'm totally going to be ready for this guy on the next lap. Ready to to fight crime? Ready to save the world? No, sillies. Ready with my camera to document this shit for my blog, because God knows I won't be able to tell this story well enough.

Obviously, I'm Batman in this scenario. Duh.

 

Sadly, he must have called it a day, because I didn't cross his path for a third time. It took me awhile, but I'm guessing he was wearing a elevation training mask. I've never seen one actually used, but I read about it when I considered hiking to Everest Basecamp. But seriously, dude, you look super fucking scary in that get up and my brain has no choice but to immediately see myself as Anne Hathaway as Cat Woman. And I left my cat ears at home. Sheesh.

Me or Anne? Can you tell us apart?

 

So here is a public service announcement for those of you deciding to wear all black at night with a breathing apparatus that makes you sound like Darth Vader: maybe you should consider wearing a shirt that says "Elevation Training" or "I'm Not Darth Vader" or "Sorry, Cat Woman, You Don't Rock That Suit As Well As Anne Hathaway". You know, something that makes you look a little less terrifying.

Side Note: I set out to run 4-5 miles and ended up running 8. I felt like Forrest Gump last night. I felt so good running that I just kept going. And that kind of shit never happens to me.

And with that, I have 935.56 miles left to run in 2016.

 

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