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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

It's amazing how much more I have to write about (on my running blog, no less) now that I'm doing actual running. Also, it's amazing how much weird shit happens right in my own neighborhood. Also, there's a lot of pot smoking apparently, because wow. The neighborhood had that particular "aroma" hanging about last night. (At least it's what I imagine pot smells like because, in case my boss or parents are reading, I certainly would not have any first hand knowledge of such things. Especially not back in college when I had a pot dealing roommate. No, sir.)

 

Anyhoo. When I run by myself, I run at a park that is about a mile in perimeter. I head to the park straight from work because if I dare set foot in my house, the couch emits laser precise tractor beams and holds me hostage against my will, forcing me to watch Netflix.

 

I had forgotten my iPod *gasp* and I'm seriously not capable of running alone without music and I've already addressed the danger of stopping by my house first. Well, I had my phone and some giant, clunky skull headphones in my desk. Off to the park I went, straight from work.

 

Now I should preface this tale by saying that it was really cold for Arizona last night. And windy. Brrrr. Instead of wearing normal running clothes, I wore a thick hooded sweatshirt. Basically, I just run laps around the park and I always run in the same direction. Now mind you, this park is pretty well lit, has houses on 3 sides and a police precinct in the middle. All in all, it's pretty safe. There's just one short side that's pretty dark.

 

Because I didn't have my iPod with my trusty playlist, I was forced to scramble through random shit on my phone, like Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, specifically the last movement which is the choral section, better known as Ode To Joy. I'm telling you this because I like my life to have a soundtrack and Beethoven's Ninth is very dramatic and very German. I sang it in college several times and shockingly, still know ever last word of it in German. #lifesoundtrack

 

As I came to the dark side of the park, I see a man dressed entirely in black, with a black hat and what appears to be some sort of face warmer covering the bottom of his face. I don't pay too much attention but I notice that as he passes, I hear a weird sound that appears to be interfering with my music. Weird.

 

Well. I run into him again on the opposite side of the park where there is more light, but it's still dark. You know those moments you have where you see something but your brain can't process or comprehend what it's seeing, and you have a delayed reaction?

 

He gets close to me and all I can hear is insanely loud breathing that I'm totally not exaggerating here- sounds exactly like Darth fucking Vader. As he's passing me, he reaches up to his hat, and parts of it light up. It took a few more steps of running on my part before my brain caught up and said, "what the fuck did I just see?" And yes, all of these f bombs are necessary because 1) I really like saying it and 2) it really was fucking weird.

All that makes sense to my brain at this point is this:

This is a villain from Batman

 

This is what my brain interpreted. So I decide I'm totally going to be ready for this guy on the next lap. Ready to to fight crime? Ready to save the world? No, sillies. Ready with my camera to document this shit for my blog, because God knows I won't be able to tell this story well enough.

Obviously, I'm Batman in this scenario. Duh.

 

Sadly, he must have called it a day, because I didn't cross his path for a third time. It took me awhile, but I'm guessing he was wearing a elevation training mask. I've never seen one actually used, but I read about it when I considered hiking to Everest Basecamp. But seriously, dude, you look super fucking scary in that get up and my brain has no choice but to immediately see myself as Anne Hathaway as Cat Woman. And I left my cat ears at home. Sheesh.

Me or Anne? Can you tell us apart?

 

So here is a public service announcement for those of you deciding to wear all black at night with a breathing apparatus that makes you sound like Darth Vader: maybe you should consider wearing a shirt that says "Elevation Training" or "I'm Not Darth Vader" or "Sorry, Cat Woman, You Don't Rock That Suit As Well As Anne Hathaway". You know, something that makes you look a little less terrifying.

Side Note: I set out to run 4-5 miles and ended up running 8. I felt like Forrest Gump last night. I felt so good running that I just kept going. And that kind of shit never happens to me.

And with that, I have 935.56 miles left to run in 2016.

 

14 comments:

  1. He would've been a high risk of my runner's mace. HA Seriously I carry it, I am such a worrier I probably would've quit. Who dresses in black at night -- creepers!!

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    1. Lol, well considering he didn't actually interact with me in any way, I couldn't really justify macing him!

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  2. Wow, what an adventure. I can't believe you didn't run right back to your car after that kind of interaction. You were very brave to continue. I carry Halt that I would use on dogs or people if need be. It is easy to purchase on Amazon (mail carriers carry it) and it has a convenient plastic hook to attach to your shorts/pants whatever. Please buy some!

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    1. You're right- I should get some. I forgot that you had a harrowing dog experience!

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  3. Wow! 8 miles! I can't "just do" that without planning and more training. lol I ran 4 last night. At the park. . . straight after work. Mine is also a mile lap. The town I work in is more hilly than my pancake flat town, so it kills me, but that's why I do it. I also can't ever *ever* go home before I do the things I have to do - running and/or riding. Once I'm home I ain't leaving. . . for nothing.

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    1. I know, it's like I've been possessed by some running demon or something! I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

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  4. I had to laugh when you said it was an elevation mask cus I have a friend that runs with one!
    Wow, what an adventure. I bet you missed running..lol

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    1. Taking most of 2015 off was really good for me. I'm actually enjoying running again!

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  5. No way you can make up a story like that lol. That is crazy. But I know how this goes. I was on the trails one day, plenty of daylight and a lady passed me wearing one. Good Lord it took my brain miles to figure out what the heck I just saw lol

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    1. I wonder if this is going to become a running trend. I guess it makes sense but I have no idea if it really works or not. I should research that!

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  6. I have seen some pretty weird things but this is bizarre! I too would have had one hand on the mace! 😳

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    1. I saw him again last night but the park was much better lit due to the baseball field lights being on. Much less scary this time!

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  7. A few things...

    1) As coincidences go, I was actually in Phoenix when this happened. No, I was not the guy in the mask in case you were wondering, but I do attest to how cold it was. You arrive at "the desert" expecting certain things and sheesh!...

    2) I think there is a special section at Ikea that sells those "tractor beam" couches. But they don't tell you they are in fact, "tractor beam" couches. You buy them unknowingly and suffer the consequences later. I know because I own one as well. Because the couch is actually 35% more comfortable when Netflix is on.

    3) For some reason I now can't seem to get the "Darth Vader remix" of that last movement of the 9th Symphony. It's the type of thing you might never think about but once it gets in your head, it can't be undone.

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    1. If I had any mixing talent, a Ninth Symphony / Star Wars theme dance mash up would be amazing!

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Thanks for reading!